WHY YOU NEED TO SET BOUNDARIES WITHOUT GUILT (AND HOW TO DO IT) THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
Nov 18, 2024Are you already feeling the holiday pressure building? For many women, especially those navigating perimenopause, the holidays can become a season of overcommitment and burnout. But what if this year, you prioritised your needs without guilt, allowing you to truly enjoy the festive season?
Women often take on roles as caretakers, peacekeepers, rememberers, and problem-solvers - not just for their families, but across all aspects of their lives. This is influenced by societal expectations, as well as hormonal shifts. With declining levels of progesterone - what I refer to as the ‘people-pleasing hormone’ - we’re less likely to want to say yes or accommodate every request. But we don’t always have the skills or confidence to set boundaries because it isn’t something we’re typically taught.
So, instead of setting boundaries and clearly expressing them, we often find ourselves doing things we don’t want to, until resentment builds up and we feel angry or frustrated. Eventually, we end up having a meltdown or snapping at family members and then feeling guilty and judging ourselves for it. Learning how to set boundaries and kindly express them becomes essential in perimenopause and menopause, but it can still feel challenging. Does this sound familiar?
WHY SAYING NO FEELS HARD, BUT IS ESSENTIAL
From a young age - before we’re three years old - most of our thoughts and ideas are formed subconsciously, and we’re conditioned by cultural norms and sex-based stereotypes to prioritise others - to be the carer, or nurturer, and say yes to others - to people please. This is reinforced throughout our childhood and adult life, and while these norms are shifting for our children, they’re still very present for many of us.
Additionally, the primal brain, which prioritises safety in numbers, pushes us to stay aligned with the group, making boundary-setting feel uncomfortable because it makes us stand out from the herd. Our primal brain dislikes change, considering it inherently unsafe, so trying to shift our patterns or express needs we’re not used to expressing can make us feel uneasy, uncomfortable, and to want to stop trying different things. (This is the same when you’re introducing new health habits! Don’t let your primal brain stop your from growing and caring for yourself.)
This primal urge is especially strong during the holidays, when social expectations peak, and saying “no” can feel like breaking an unspoken rule. However, always prioritising others over ourselves can be costly. Many women find themselves saying yes to food, drinks, or obligations that conflict with their health goals and exacerbate perimenopause symptoms like disrupted sleep, mood swings, and fatigue.
THE COST OF PEOPLE-PLEASING ON YOUR HEALTH AND RELATIONSHIPS
Constantly accommodating others doesn’t just impact your schedule; it can harm your health, relationships, and self-respect. Here’s how:
- On Your Health: You may agree to social drinking, even though it disrupts your sleep and increases hot flashes. Or, you might take on extra responsibilities that drain your energy, triggering or exacerbating stress (and other) hormone imbalances. Neglecting self-care to keep others happy reinforces a cycle of stress and overwhelm.
- On Relationships: When you do things begrudgingly to please others, resentment can build over time. This often leads to anger, frustration, and eventually, meltdowns or arguments with loved ones. Unresolved resentment can create friction in relationships, which would be less likely if clear boundaries and expectations were set and voiced.
- On Self-Opinion: Consistently disregarding your own needs can harm your self-respect and confidence. When you don’t set boundaries, you may find yourself judging or doubting your worth. Boundaries serve as a way to reinforce your own self-respect, showing yourself and others that your needs matter.
Learning how to set boundaries, especially during times of increased demands like the holidays, isn’t about being selfish - it’s about caring for yourself and, ultimately, allowing yourself to be fully present with the people you love.
HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES WITHOUT GUILT
Setting boundaries can feel unnatural, but remember, it’s an act of self-respect and care. Like learning any new skill, it takes practice. Here’s how to start:
1. SHIFT YOUR PERSPECTIVE
Boundaries are essential to your health; they’re not acts of selfishness or attempts to hurt others. Every “no” paves the way for a more balanced, healthier you. Remember, you’re not saying no to be mean or cause discomfort. It’s not personal, and it’s often helpful to frame your boundary in terms of your own needs. For example, saying, “I really need to focus on my sleep tonight,” is less likely to trigger defensive reactions from others, as it doesn’t imply they have to change their behavior.
2. START SMALL
Practice with minor decisions, such as setting a time to stop checking work emails in the evening or letting family members solve their own small issues. For instance, if someone comes to you with a problem, try responding with, “I don’t know - what do you think we should do?” This shifts the responsibility and empowers others to become more self-reliant, reducing the pressure on you.
3. PREPARE FOR PUSHBACK
Boundaries might surprise or unsettle people, especially those who are used to you saying yes. Remind yourself that it’s okay for them to feel uncomfortable - it’s a growth opportunity for them. Boundaries are, in fact, a way to love and support others by teaching them self-reliance. Remember, despite what we’re conditioned to think, you’re not responsible for others’ feelings. Everyone has a choice in how they respond to a situation, and it’s not your job to make them happy.
4. ANCHOR IN YOUR ‘WHY’
Knowing why you’re setting a boundary strengthens your resolve. For example, refusing alcohol because you want uninterrupted sleep and fewer hot flashes is a solid “why.” Some find it helpful to keep physical reminders of their ‘why’ nearby, like a bracelet or a small note. Personally, I keep a piece of Balinese money (from when I attended a retreat there in 2019!) in my purse because it reminds me of how good it feels when I prioritise and care for myself.
5. EMBRACE THE POWER OF ‘NO’
“No” isn’t just a refusal; it’s a declaration of your priorities. Saying no when it serves you best creates space for what truly matters and safeguards your energy. Boundaries help others see how to treat us, balancing our needs with theirs. They also serve as acts of self-care, helping us love ourselves and others by establishing clear expectations.
REAL-LIFE SCENARIOS FOR PRACTICE
Women over 40 often find themselves in problem-solving roles, and this can add extra stress, especially during the holidays. Here are some practical ways to approach boundary-setting:
- The Extra Holiday Task: When a family member asks you to take on another responsibility, try saying, “I’d love to help, but I can’t take that on right now. Let’s think of other ways to handle it.” This allows you to set a limit while still supporting their needs.
- Social Pressure to Drink: When offered a drink you’d prefer to skip, say, “No thanks, I really want to sleep well tonight; I have a busy day tomorrow. But you enjoy!” Framing it about your personal needs rather than a general statement (“I’m not drinking because it’s bad/not healthy”) helps others understand without feeling pressured themselves.
- Constant Problem-Solving: Instead of taking on every issue, respond with, “I don’t know. What do you think we could do?” By encouraging others to think of solutions, you’re giving them a learning opportunity. It may feel awkward at first, but with time, this shift can empower them and give you some needed mental space.
REFRAMING GUILT AS SELF-RESPECT
It’s natural to feel guilt when breaking a pattern of people-pleasing. But each time you set a boundary, you’re teaching yourself and those around you that your needs are valid. If people react negatively, remember that their discomfort is part of their adjustment, not a reflection of your worth. Your value isn’t defined by whether you make others happy. Setting boundaries isn’t about denying others; it’s about making sure you have the energy to support them genuinely, without resentment or burnout.
By voicing and sharing our boundaries, we’re actually being kinder than if we silently hold back, only to reach a breaking point and explode. Rather than suddenly withdrawing or becoming upset without warning, setting boundaries allows us to let others know what we can realistically manage this holiday season in a respectful, loving way.
Setting boundaries without guilt isn’t easy, but it’s essential for your health, happiness, and long-term well-being. This holiday season, give yourself the gift of “no” and watch how your energy, mood, and peace improve. The holidays should be a time of joy, not exhaustion. Practicing boundaries now sets the stage for a healthier, more empowered 2025.
How have you navigated boundary-setting, and what challenges have you faced? I’d love to hear your thoughts or story in the comments - your experiences could help someone else on their journey to setting healthy boundaries.
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